random

i realized this at work now i never wanted to be considered a typical guy but i am im shallow ( i will not like a girl unless i find them attractive even if they have the most amazing personality in the world if they have slightly below looks i will not like them) and i dont like that about myself. i wish i could like girls that were below average in the looks catagory cause looking for someone that is accualy atractive doesnt seem to be working out for me. i got lucky three times, i still dont know how i got them to go out with me. its not like i have much to offer. im pretty much average yet i look for people that are above average. have you ever acually( i cant even spell) thought about death and what might happen after death like how many people would miss you, if other peoples life would be better without u. this is what keeps me up till around 3ish lying in bed since 11. i think i want to die before i have to go to college i just dont think i couold handle having to try and make friends with a new bunch of friends and live on my own. and i would have to leave the one person i really dont want to. i think i would prefer i everything would just stay how it is with just afew minor changes. just one continuas loop of grade 11. and im really bad at making who i like obvious but i try not to i just dont know any other way to act around them